Life and Relationships

In a few days, I will turn 31. No more am I on the sidelines as a freshman in the thirties bracket. I will officially slip into the big bathtub of the thirties. In it, I will be drenched in the murky waters of adult responsibilities. I am progressively weaning off the physical attributes that make people guess my age ten years younger (My median age, based on people's guesses is 23). My identity as an adult will begin to petrify. This is a time where my mind and emotions will go into full swing to discard the faulty assumptions about life and relationships that I've piled up over the years. Everyone in their thirties is going through this phase. Some are well advanced. Some are still travelling in circles. The water is nonetheless, murky.

Life and Relationships. The two ingredients that existed at the start of everything. These two things point me to God. And I'm absolutely dumbfounded by atheists who claim that God doesn't exist. If so, do away with life or relationships. We can't. It is a sacrifice. It will cost us. These things that cost us have value. Because, behind life and relationships, there is meaning embedded. We each know it. And if we open our eyes a little, we can see the author behind those two chapters of Life and Relationships.

Relationships. This topic frequently arouses me and yet wrings out all sorts of emotions from me. From parental relationships to business affairs to sibling relations and pursuing the opposite sex, I've had my share of the disappointment pie. At 31, I'm happy for the stability that has occurred in my relationships with my siblings. We're all grown up now, with our own lives and responsibilities. Yet we can engage in conversations with adequate depth, with the ability to appreciate each others' ruminations, borne out of our individual experiences with life and learning. With my parent, I'm constantly learning the balance between love and letting go, between association and individuation, between embracing and refraining. Not always easy, but always necessary.

It is in my business endeavours that I struggle to keep the private and public at different corners of the rink. At times, the private intersects the public. And clients become comrades, sometimes family. It is then that the business discussions turn into personal catch-up. And quotations for professional services are discounted to appreciate and honour the invaluable friendship. Funny how being buddies with the guy opposite the counter in Starbucks doesn't warrant me free Cafe Lattes. Anyhow, business is always about relationships and partnerships. Jobs are best executed when workers learn to acknowledge each other and share the load.

Pursuing the opposite sex is something I don't know how to do anymore. It is as if I've regressed to kindergarten in this subject. By the way, my opposite sex is FEMALE (if you were wondering, and forgot who is writing this blog). Funny how in my twenties, I moved from primary to university in the department of love and boy-girl-relationships. I've had many crushes. Had one girlfriend (that lasted for three weeks). Found out what a love-triangle feels like. Climbed too many mountains and fell off enough cliffs. Had my guts spilled and trampled on by one too many fair ladies. A hopeless romantic I am. But now, I'm embracing my responsibilities as a polished adult and my emotions are less in control of my decisions.

But I still don't know if I should approach her. Or if I would end up setting myself up for disaster like before. I don't know if I have those emotions for her right now, like how I had them for the others and it didn't work out. I'm also getting more comfortable being alone. Set in my ways. Not that I have a problem with singlehood. I would prefer having a family at some point. Having a family with her, the right person whom I can love, trust, respect and solve problems with. At some point soon, so that I wouldn't have to injure my back swinging my toddler into the air, at age 45.